More than 15 years ago, I discovered The Four Agreements, a book that immediately resonated with me. Each time I reread it, its teachings echo deeply within my body and mind, reminding me of the simple yet powerful wisdom it holds. Even today, I often tell myself that I should read it more frequently, as its truth touches me in every moment of my life.
Before diving into this second key agreement, Don’t take anything personally, I invite you to read my previous article on the first of the Four Toltec Agreements, Be impeccable with your word. This agreement lays an essential foundation for transforming our relationships and inner life through the power of truthful speech. Read the article on Be impeccable with your word here.
What struck me the most this time was the second agreement: "Don't take anything personally." This agreement has taken on particular significance in my life, especially in the context of my romantic relationship. It has become a key for me to better navigate the complexities of love, ease conflicts, and take a step back from emotionally charged situations. This teaching, in my eyes, is an invitation to free ourselves from emotional reactivity and embrace more lasting inner peace.
Understanding the second agreement: don't take things personally
In this perspective, it's crucial to understand what this agreement truly means. According to Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements, this principle invites us to grasp a fundamental truth: what others say and do has nothing to do with us. The words, behaviors, or actions of others are merely projections of their own reality, fears, wounds, and beliefs. It has nothing to do with us.
On my personal journey, this agreement resonates strongly with what I’ve learned in couple’s therapy. Our therapist often reminded us that our conflicts usually stem from our own fears, and our emotional reactions aren’t directly linked to the other person but to our inner struggles. In these moments, the other becomes a mirror, reflecting our insecurities or deep wounds. This realization has helped me see that disputes or tensions are not personal attacks, but rather projections of our inner worlds, where each person lives in their own reality.
Don Miguel Ruiz describes this through the idea that each of us lives in our own dream, in our own head, which means we’re all in completely different worlds. When we take things personally, we assume the other understands our world, but in reality, each person lives from their own perspective. We end up pitting our universe against theirs, creating unnecessary tensions.
Don’t take others' emotions personally
Taking things personally traps us in a cycle of emotional reactivity, where we feel attacked or criticized. However, everything that happens around us only reflects the other’s inner reality. By stepping back and understanding that each person lives in their own dream, we free ourselves from the emotional burden we often mistakenly carry.
A key to fulfilling relationships
Thus, by integrating this understanding into my own relationship experience, I’ve seen how this agreement transformed my interactions with my partner. I’ve often noticed that in moments of tension, I reacted emotionally to words or behaviors, taking them as personal attacks. This created unnecessary conflicts and misunderstandings.
But by practicing this agreement, I’ve learned not to let others’ emotions dictate my inner peace. By taking a step back, listening without feeling directly affected, I’ve been able to defuse many situations. This perspective has brought me a newfound serenity, allowing me to approach relationship challenges with more calm and compassion.
A concrete example: during a disagreement with my partner, instead of reacting impulsively, I now take a moment to breathe, to remind myself that their words are an expression of their inner world, not a reflection of my worth. This distance has significantly eased our exchanges and strengthened our bond.
A bridge between Toltec and Hopi teachings
I wish to highlight the parallels between the Toltec teachings and those of the Hopis. Although I often discuss Hopi wisdom in my writings, their worldview offers enriching complements to the ideas we’ve just explored. Among the Hopis, harmony with oneself, others, and nature is at the heart of their philosophy. They teach the importance of not being swept away by emotions or impulsive reactions, but to remain centered and at peace. This directly aligns with the principle of not taking things personally, as it allows us to maintain inner harmony.
The Hopis, whose name means "the people of peace," bear the responsibility of maintaining collective balance. Not being overwhelmed by others’ judgments or actions is a way to preserve that balance. The first principle, or “Hopi agreement” for having a just relationship, is to honor and respect. Grandmother Medicine Song recently reminded me of this: honoring and respecting others, whether or not we agree with their actions, behaviors, or beliefs, is fundamental to maintaining peace. Her gentle voice added: "Do not judge others for what they do or don’t do, and don’t try to correct others. The Hopis don’t have this judgmental spirit, as judging implies we consider ourselves superior, as if we know better than others."
She paused, intentionally allowing silence, as if to let her words fully sink in, before continuing: "We may disagree or even dislike what others do, but unless you’ve walked in their moccasins, you can’t know what they’re going through." In other words, you don’t know the dream the other person is living.
This principle directly echoes the Toltec agreement of not taking things personally, as it teaches us that everyone lives in their own world, shaped by their experiences, fears, and beliefs.
Grandmother Medicine Song’s words remind us, with great simplicity, of the importance of staying humble and open toward others, while maintaining harmony within ourselves. It is in this daily practice of honoring and respecting that we find a path to true peace, in alignment with both Toltec and Hopi teachings..
Practices for integrating this agreement into daily life
To make it easier to apply this agreement in our lives, there are simple practices I’ve found helpful, which I often share in my workshops:
1. Take a step back before reacting: Before responding to a hurtful comment or irritating behavior, take a moment to breathe and observe your emotions. Ask yourself: "Is this really about me, or is it the other’s projection?"
2. Cultivate compassion: When someone acts in a way that might hurt you, try to understand that their actions are often motivated by their own suffering or fears. By developing compassion for the other, you can better manage your reactions.
3. Meditation and drumming: In my workshops, I often incorporate a guided meditation accompanied by drumming. This ritual helps anchor the idea of detachment from negative emotions, by reconnecting to your inner space of peace. The drum, in connection with the spirits of nature, helps us find this balance.
An invitation to introspection and practice
I invite you to take time to reflect on your relationships and how you can integrate this agreement into your daily life. Imagine the freedom you could feel by detaching from the emotions and judgments of others. By doing so, you free yourself from unnecessary burdens and can connect more deeply with yourself and those around you.
For those wishing to deepen this reflection, I encourage you to participate in my workshops at Yoga With You studio in Le Bouscat, where we will explore these teachings together through meditative practices and rituals inspired by Toltec and Hopi wisdom.
To further discover Hopi teachings and ancestral wisdom, I invite you to:
- Visit our teachings page to explore the richness of Hopi ancestral wisdom and other spiritual practices.
- Book a session with the grand drum to harmonize your energy and strengthen your spiritual connection.
- Become a member of our community, where we share these values and practices with respect and kindness.
Free yourself to connect more deeply
Adopting the agreement "Don't take anything personally" is a true act of liberation. It allows us to cultivate more peace, perspective, and wisdom in our daily interactions. In connection with Hopi teachings, it invites us to maintain harmony within ourselves and with others, and to progress on the path of personal and relational fulfillment.
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