More than 15 years ago, I discovered The Four Agreements, a book that profoundly changed my perception of the world.
Before diving into the details of this third agreement, Don't make assumptions, I invite you to explore my previous articles on the first two agreements, Be impeccable with your word and Don't take anything personally.
The third Toltec agreement, Don't make assumptions, is an invitation to transform how we communicate and perceive the world around us. This agreement raises our awareness of how we often base our interactions and thoughts on unverified assumptions.
What is an assumption?
An assumption is an idea we accept as true without concrete proof. It can be a fleeting thought or a deeply rooted belief in our minds. The problem with assumptions is that they are often based on our fears, insecurities, or past experiences. They then become filters that distort our view of reality.
A personal experience: the impact of clear communication
This tendency to assume is especially present in relationships. I experienced it early in my relationship with my partner. It often happened in the morning, in those first moments when we woke up side by side. As I rose with the lightness of the new day, full of joy and energy, he, on the other hand, would sometimes wake up in a dark mood, wrapped in a cloud I didn't understand. His face seemed closed off, his silence heavy, almost icy. I would immediately imagine he was angry with me, and my mind, always alert, would embark on troubled thoughts. His silence fed my assumptions, and in that quiet, I began weaving scenarios that existed only in the maze of my mind.
One day, I gathered the courage to ask him directly: "Are you angry with me?" To my surprise, he simply explained that his mornings were often difficult, not because of me, but because he was apprehensive about the day ahead. He needed time to emerge, while I leaped into the day with a lightness he couldn't always share.
This moment taught me how precious it is to clarify things rather than let my thoughts wander. Since then, I do my best to ask simple questions, like, "What do you mean by that?" or "Am I understanding what you're saying correctly?" This has allowed me to defuse many misunderstandings and create a more open, sincere dialogue.
Don't make assumptions: a path to truth
In our daily lives, it's easy to fall into the trap of making assumptions, as illustrated by the example above. We interpret others' words, gestures, or even silences through the lens of our own thoughts and emotions. These interpretations often create misunderstandings, conflicts, and unnecessary suffering.
The third Toltec agreement, Don't make assumptions, invites us to question these mental constructions. As Don Miguel Ruiz explains in The Four Agreements, we often make assumptions unconsciously, projecting our expectations and beliefs onto others. By freeing ourselves from these projections, we can ask questions, clarify intentions, and thus restore a dialogue based on truth rather than fears or misunderstandings.
How to avoid making assumptions?
The key to avoiding assumptions is cultivating clarity and communication. Asking questions, seeking clarification, and expressing your needs are powerful ways to establish sincere communication. It also requires the courage to ask for explanations when something is unclear, rather than remaining in doubt. This agreement teaches us the importance of transparency, both with ourselves and with others. By adopting this practice, we begin to transform our relationships and create connections based on truth, not assumptions.
Don't make assumptions from a Hopi perspective
The teachings of the Hopi also emphasize this idea of clarity in communication. For them, harmony in the community rests on active listening and truthful speech. Grandmother Medicine Song often reminded me of the importance of not assuming we know what the other person is thinking or feeling, but rather taking the time to truly listen. This directly aligns with the Toltec agreement Don't make assumptions, highlighting the need for authentic exchange and mutual understanding.
The Hopi, like the Toltecs, teach us the importance of openness and clarity in relationships. They stress the value of asking rather than assuming, and not allowing our minds to create stories that don't exist. By learning to question and truly listen, we cultivate inner peace that enables us to live more harmoniously with others.
A practice to integrate this agreement
The next time you catch yourself making an assumption, take a moment to refocus. Breathe deeply and question the reality of that thought. Is it a fact or an interpretation you're making? If it's an assumption, don't hesitate to seek the truth. Ask the other person a clear question, without fear of getting it wrong. You'll see how quickly this can ease tensions that need not exist.
Invitation to exploration and practice
I invite you to imagine how communication in your relationships could become more fluid and authentic if you let go of assumptions. What would happen if, instead of nurturing silent expectations, you asked open-ended questions, like keys unlocking doors to new understandings? Together, we could ask ourselves this question: how can I free myself from projections and fully open myself to the truth of the other?
If this exploration inspires you, I encourage you to join my workshops at Yoga With You studio in Bouscat, where we dive deeper into these principles through meditative practices and drum journeys, inspired by Toltec and Hopi wisdom.
Deepening your inner journey
If you're interested in releasing emotional blockages, I invite you to explore the healing sessions I offer with the Grand Drum. You can also schedule a free 30-minute call to discuss your needs and see how we could facilitate your transformation process together.
For a deeper exploration of the teachings and ancestral wisdom of the Hopi:
- Visit our teachings page, to discover the treasures of this ancient wisdom and other spiritual practices.
- Join our community, where we share these values with respect and kindness.
By asking the right questions and embracing truth with courage, you open yourself to a richer life, more aligned with your deepest self.
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